...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
