I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
