So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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