Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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