In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
