Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh god it's open bar.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
