Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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