It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
