and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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