I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
