she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
