im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
