Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
