but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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