I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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