now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
