I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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