my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
