just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
