my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
