I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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