Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
