He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
