You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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