If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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