I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
