the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
