You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
