all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
A+ Viking dick
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
