then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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