i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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