...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
