I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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