im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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