Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
