I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
