so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
