Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
