that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
