What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
