I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
