When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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