If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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