I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
