I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
