isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
