I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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