i think my mom watched the whole time
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
