forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
