My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
